Weekly we receive calls and emails from struggling couples. Regularly they are complaining about their busy lives, which has me pondering, “How can we overcome busy?”
Do any of these sound familiar to you?:
- “We’re so busy. With kids and our jobs, we just don’t have time for each other.”
- “I’m super busy. I’m working 12- to 14-hour days and when I get home, I just want to crash on the couch.”
- “My life is so busy. Once supper is done, kids in bed, and the house cleaned, there is no time or energy left to talk.”
- “Sex? We’re too busy for that.”
To overcome busy is a challenge, for sure
I remember wearing those shoes too. I also know there are ways to see this state of “busy” in a new way, and to consciously make choices to create the relationship and life we (or you) want.
“How?” you say, as you’re ready to delete this ‘cause you’re too busy to read it. I invite you to bear with me a few minutes.
See “busy” in a new way
Can we agree that “busy” is a state of mind? You may argue that it is caused because you think or feel you have so many things to do, so many places to be, so much going on in your mind. Aha, thinking and feeling in your mind about things in the future.
An online dictionary describes a state of mind thus:
- The condition or character of a person’s thoughts or feelings.
- A temporary psychological state
Busy is not who you are as a human being.
At your core, you are a totally capable, complete, perfect, resourceful, loving being. Busy is a temporary state, and all that is required is a decision to think or feel differently – more in line with what you want. Those words say “what you want” rather than, ”what you don’t want.”
It’s not likely that you or I, in an instant, can go from a frantic, “I’m f…..ing busy!” to “I’m peaceful, relaxed, and in joy.”
However, when we’re aware, we can shift the words slightly to, “My time is occupied right now. In a moment when I finish this, I will stop, breathe deeply, celebrate what I’ve accomplished, and be grateful for my life.”
What difference do you notice in yourself as you read that? Possibly a bit of relief? A reframe of the words is one strategy to overcome busy.
Creating a relationship and a life I want – prioritization
I was speaking with a consultant who was ranting about how, in our current society and economy, none of us have enough time.
If you and I buy into the “busy” state of mind, that might be true. Yet when I shift my mindset as noted above, I realize that the importance is not the quantity of time (we all have 24 hours each day), but the quality of how I experience who I am in the time. And that, my friend, is about prioritization.
We always make time for things that are important to us, usually unconsciously. To make it conscious and intentional, what is important, really important, to you?
Get comfortable and decide
I invite you to get into a comfortable position, sitting or lying, and take a couple deep, deep breaths. Stretch out your belly as you breathe in, and then exhale slowly until all of the air is gone. Then breathe again the same way and allow your body, mind, and heart to feel soft and relaxed now.
In this state, what is important for you to experience now? Not in the past, right now? Describing what you want to feel may be tough to identify. It is for many of us. This part is about feelings – we’re not yet at the stage of what you want to have or do.
Identification of the feelings and experiences you want is the motivation and inspiration to drive the actions. It must be a priority to you or you won’t follow through.
Examples:
If I really want to feel happiness, love, joy, and satisfaction in my relationship with Carol, I’ll do the harder work of scheduling regular time with her to:
- Ask and learn about her wants and desires in our relationship
- Listen to understand (without judgements or defensiveness)
- Allow her space to say what is on her heart and mind (without interruptions)
- Ask clarifying open-ended questions (questions to which I don’t know the answer)
- Acknowledge her for her honesty and ideas
- Ensure she has shared all she wants to share in the moment
- Honestly share my wants and desires
- Work together to prioritize what is important to both of us, and to each of us individually
- Work together to come up with strategies or plans of what we’re going to do (individually and together)
- Agree to ways we can measure our successes and to ensure we’re on track with what we both want to experience and feel
- Agree to ways we will celebrate
This same process is effective for finances, child care, extended family, house/yard duties, sex, jobs/business, etc.
In closing, to overcome busy, the secret is to:
- determine what you want to experience and feel
- prioritize what is really important, and
- create strategies to do what is needed so you experience what you want, at least in a greater percentage of the time than you do now.
The amazing thing is that as you follow through, the better and better it gets – for everyone.
The process is simple, yet scheduling the time to follow through may seem to be hard – until you’ve practiced and consciously realize how important this is.
We know you can do it, and we’re here to support you in any way you need.
