Relationships Are Tough: 16 Easy Things To Do

Fear about what? 

Fear that I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, we don’t have enough, and fear that this isn’t going to work out.

The super crazy part of this is that we begin to think this is “normal.”  If we have impressionable kids, they see their parents and feel the energy, and they begin to think this is the way a “normal” relationship is supposed to be.

Whoa, something is wrong with this picture, wouldn’t you say?

I don’t like conflict – especially with Carol.  In the past, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict.

I remember a time, many years ago, when we were really struggling in our relationship, and our kids were watching. We were way over our head in debt, I had a lot of duties, and I used that as an excuse for my poor behaviour. Regular sayings for me were:

• Relationships are tough, so suck it up
• I’m stressed out (or pissed off)
• I haven’t got time
• I’m worn out
• You are so…
• We’ll never get through this

Those “attitudes” seemed to give me the right to fight.  I’d listen to Carol for few seconds and then interrupt and tell her what she needed to think, do, and feel. I’d defend my “right” way and put her ideas down. I’d walk away from her in the middle of a dialogue.  I’d work longer hours on the farm so I didn’t have to be with her in an uncomfortable situation.  I’d do things behind her back that I knew would piss her off.

Does any of this sound familiar?

That stuff is hard, hard work.  It takes a lot of practice to do those crappy things well.

This is exactly the point of time in a relationship when many people decide to end the relationship.  Statistics show it. 

Guess what happens besides all of the heartache? 

One or both people enter into a new relationship and continue this well-learned habitual behaviour and continue to get similar results.  It’s like dragging a dead skunk from one place to the next – even though you change locations, it still stinks.

Guess what happened for us?

Carol and I agreed that we loved each other so much, even if we didn’t always act that way.  We began doing the really easy things and continue to do them.  We:

• hug every morning – genuine, affectionate long hug
• say, “I love you” many times a day – and mean it
• smile and laugh
• listen intently and ask clarifying questions to ensure understanding
• take time to read the same book together – I read to her and she reads to me
• look for and acknowledge each other for good deeds – when you look, there are many
• show gratitude and appreciation verbally and regularly
• ask how we can support each other – and follow through
• have weekly meetings to align our calendars
• schedule dates – usually at home
• schedule sex – might sound silly but it works
• go for walks (without phones) and appreciate nature
• plan and eat meals together (we often make them together)
• minimize screen time when off-work – we don’t own a TV and phones are usually set aside
• play games – cards, dice, board games
• go to bed at the same time (whenever possible) and cuddle

Do we have conflicts?  Absolutely.  In fact, we invite and encourage sharing our different perspectives on things.  The big difference now is that we set our egos aside and use these conflicts as ways to be creative and innovative and to resolve issues in the best way for both of us, and any other stakeholders. Our conflicts are constructive, rather than destructive.